Homesteading, Modern Day Homestead, Modern Day Homesteading

The Hardest Words to Say

…So… I’ll sing them! Here’s an ode to Sam Cooke (the man knows my soul), “That’s it, I quit. I’m moving on…”

Have you ever quit your job? I know many of us have these lavish scenes where we act like Jimmy Stewart in a black and white movie. Full of drama and gumption. But, has anyone ever really acted it out? I don’t have a back bone nearly that strong. But, I also refuse to let myself become overshadowed by darkness and hatred.

On Monday, December 11, 2017, I resigned from my job of nearly 3 years. Initially, I was going to do it without having a job to go to (I have since found an incredible opportunity). During our Thanksgiving Day travels, Keith and I talked about how I could thrive in any environment as long as I had people to support me. And at my former job, it was a weird, ugly, and toxic situation. It was like a bad break up. Tears were shed (by few), people were sad (again, only a few), but it was also the most empowering feeling.

I drove home several times sobbing that week. And I couldn’t figure it out. I felt like a jerk. But, after talking it over with Keith, who makes fun of me all of the time for being too sensitive, he came to the conclusion that maybe the place was so toxic for so long that I was just shedding all of the pent up aggression, sadness, and emotional layers that were finally coming to the surface. And it suuuucked.

Without getting into detail, just know that wherever you go, many are not going to like you (maybe– if you’re like me, that is). I’ve had plenty of jobs where people were just down right nasty to my face. But, never have I had the pleasure of having that level of passive aggressive hatred spewed across my desk, behind my back, and hearing my name be shattered behind closed doors. I’ve never had the pleasure of having a group care so much about everyone else (but you) that their “good mornings” are forced like they are going to gag if they even look in your general direction. I’ve never had the pleasure of feeling guilty for partaking in community food. Yes. We’re talking cookies here. However, I was considered unprofessional and called an embarrassment to the company.

I was dealing with these conflicting emotions for over a year now. I was hoping that after having my daughter, I wouldn’t have to return to work. But, I did. And I was greeted with the utmost form of indecency. I thought it was all in my head, but it clearly wasn’t. I thought it was because I had postpartum anxiety, but it wasn’t. I thought it was because I was too nice, but, again, you see the pattern, right? It wasn’t. And it never was.

It wasn’t me. And chances are, if you are being bullied in the work place, it is never you. I was hoping to find camaraderie and I found chaos. No connection. Just rejection for being different (I’m assuming). It’s not easy being the outcast of a group and I know I am making the best decision for myself, my mental health, and my family. My husband won’t have to hear me driving home with pain in my voice, hot tears running down my face. My daughter will never have to feel that Mommy is sad, but fighting through it. My energy won’t be wasted. My time will be valued. I won’t be working a full time job with part time pay (and wondered why I can’t get anything done). I will never have to fight the physical dread of getting out of bed every morning to shuffle off to a place that despises me so much.

The saddest part, I actually enjoyed what I did. It was a fun gig. And allowed me to be creative. There were few that did enjoy my company, but there’s something to be said when people who are evil are treated as invaluable assets and upper management has told (and, sadly, has shown) you time and again that you are indeed, replaceable, even if they actually love you, deep down. It really sucks. IT REALLLLLLY SUCKS!

But, just like a bad relationship (which, it was). It’s over. I don’t have to think about going back and being treated like the outcast of the group. I can continue push through to the happy future. And to think that I even thought at one point that I may need counseling? Seriously! Insert middle finger emoji! No. No. It was never me. It was them! 2018, is going to be the year of purging; of letting go of anything that is toxic and no longer brings me joy.  That goes for “family”, my job, my house (getting rid of one), my car (downsizing), and my physical stuff (again, downsizing).

Here’s hoping this post gives you the drive to do what you think you need to do with your employment (or any bad relationship). Whether it’s asking for the deserved raise, tackling a project, involving HR with a bad coworker (we didn’t have an HR department– the downside to a small company), finding your dream job, or even quitting; I believe in you!

Let’s throw kindness around like confetti!

Happy New Year!!!

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